A PseudoStrange Situation
by DemiHuman123
Summary: A story about the life of Sampson, everyone's favorite guiena pig, outside of Camp Kidney and the friends he has and the life he lives. And what a strange and unusual life it is...


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A Pseudo-Strange Situation

By _DemiHuman123_

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I don't own the TV Show Camp Lazlo. I don't own Lazlo, Raj, Patsy, Nina, or the angsty Edward. Cartoon Network and Joe Murray owns them, so nobody better come and sue me because I got a copyright up so I'm fine. I think.

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RATING: PG-13 - A little bit of everything I'd say…

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INSPIRATIONS: I've wanted to do something with Sampson for the longest time now, so I just decided to start this. It's just a little character centric fic for those of you wanting a story involving everyone's favorite cleanly guinea pig!

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"I've decided," the vampire bat said as he folded his arms from across the restaurant table.

"Decided what," the female shelty replied gazing at her watch wondering where their food was, "that you wanna kill yourself with your fork and donate all your organs right now."

The figure next to her choked on his soda after hearing this oh so lovely statement. He looked up and turned his head to meet her eyes.

"Ewww…," Sampson moaned, wiping some of his soda off his chin with a moist towellet (never leave home without one… or fifty), "do you know how much of a mess that would leave, Nadia?"

Nadia giggled as she ran her hand through her black tipped hair, "true, but it would be worth seeing if it was just Drake."

Sampson turned green at the thought and gave out a little "merp".

Drake, growled a bit and smiled, "well you can't have my heart Nadia. I already promised it to that floozy female back in Vegas, remember?"

"Here we go," Sampson said to himself returning to his soda.

Nadia rolled her eyes and spoke, "oh yes… I remember. The conversations, the dancing, the drinking, the fifty mile chase on the tricycle that ended with us getting kicked out of the city for attempted kidnapping. Yes, Drake. I remember…"

The bat giggled to himself, and pulled down his sun glasses revealing his blind dead eyes, "good, then we're in agreement."

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Sampson slammed the locker over and over and over again, hoping that by doing so his frustration and anger would disappear without a cause. Sadly, after twenty times, he figured that it got him know where. Instead, he rested his back again the door of his locker and slid down to the ground.

"We're worried about you Sampson," he hissed, mimicking the school psychologist, "your really antisocial. You don't have any friends, you don't participate in any of the school events, and your always trying to ditch school assemblies."

He huffed again and continued to yell into the empty hallway of the middle school.

"Maybe we should enroll you into a program!"

The guinea pig growled again and began making fussy movements. After a minute or so of this, he just groaned and slumped his neck down, making his nose point to the ground.

"I hate this school, I hate the teachers, I hate the students, and I HATE THIS UNIFORM!"

"Whoa, calm down there little man," said an approaching voice, "it's not that bad."

Sampson gritted his teeth. All he wanted to do was be left to himself and vent. He never did that. Most of the time he was a happy kid who kept to himself most of the time. Anger wasn't in his nature so much.

"How would you know bad," Sampson snapped not knowing his own anger.

"Well," the stranger said slamming his cane on the ground next to Sampson. The angry teen saw the cane and noticed a red stripe on it. That meant… He looked up and was greeted with a vampire bat dressed in black. The guinea pig clasped his hand over his mouth in embarrassment. "It's okay kid… No need to apologize. Happens all the time."

Sampson got up and apologized anyways. He expected the stranger to walk away, but was greeted with two hands around his cheeks.

"Hmmm…" the bat sounded, "large snout, big looming eyes," he then gladly put a finger into Sampson's mouth (Sampson: "Wha?"), "large incisors… furry, furry skin… I'd say you're a guinea pig."

"Umm… yeah," Sampson answered surprisingly.

"Ah, I'm always right! Names Drake, by the way!"

"Sampson," he replied holding out his hand for a shake. Instead of getting a friendly greeting, the bat picked up Sampson's hand and gave it a quick lick. "What are you doing," the teenager screamed pulling back.

The bat just smacked his lips a few times and said, "A… B… negative, I believe."

"How did know-"

"I'm a vampire bat. I'm an expert at bodily fluids… More than one type mind you…"

Inside Sampson's head, if anyone could physically see it, his brain was slowly fizzling out from that statement. Now the current angst boy was caught with fear from this person.

"How old are you," Sampson asked him nervously.

"Twenty," he replied with a smirk on his face, "and you?"

"If you have to know," the teen grunted, "I'm turning thirteen in a few months."

"Thirteen! My! That's a big age, and by the looks of it… I'd say it's only going to get worse. Believe me… Sampson, was it? Believe me, puberty only gets worse!"

Not something Sampson wanted to hear.

"Hey, Sam," Drake started up, "I just finished tutoring this other student here. Wanna get something to drink? There's a café within walking distance of here!"

"Well, actually…"

"Sure you do! Come on!"

And with that, Drake motioned around a bit, found Sampson's hand and dragged him along.

"Hey! Wait," Sampson screamed.

"It'll be fun! Don't worry! I can't wait for you to meet Nadia!"

"Who?"

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Sampson hit his forehead with the palm of his hand. "This again," he thought, "their doing the same thing they always do. First their going to scream, then their going to make up, then their going to make out, and then they go back to Drakes place where they…" Sampson jerked and gave a sour expression. If we could clean his own brain, he would.

"You had that thought again, didn't you," Nadia asked shifting her gaze on Sampson.

"I just," the guinea pig began, "don't see it! I mean… I can see you two-"

He stopped for a moment to deliver a wide range of hand gestures that really didn't mean anything, which was normal for him and continued.

"…but I just can't see him… with the fangs… and… the biting… and…"

Sampson just gave up and pointed toward the shelty's neck. On closer inspection, there were several small puncture marks on her neck, which she quickly covered up with her hand.

"I thought you said these things went away in a week," she screamed at Drake.

He smiled happily, "did I say a week, I meant anywhere up to forty days."

"That means…," she twitched, "I've had these for almost three weeks now."

"That's about right, yeah," Drake answered.

There was an awkward silence for a few seconds. After which, Nadia made an attempt to jump over the table and smack some the living daylights out of her "boyfriend". Sampson made a split second decision and restrained her before she had the chance to land a single blow.

"You miserable little blood sucker," she yelled so the whole place could hear her, "now everyone at school probably thinks I'm easy!"

Drake began to laugh hard, "yes, high school does stink, doesn't it? That's why I'm happy to be twenty! Out of school and out of problems. And you… your still a still a little seventeen year old pup, huh Nadia?"

He laughed some more until Sampson's strength escaped him, and the female was able to land a punch to his skull. She sat back down afterwards quite content with herself. Drake just rubbed the area which she managed to strike.

"What's wrong with biting," he asked Sampson.

The guinea pig got comfortable again and replied, "it's just weird. I mean, I wouldn't want somebody teeth on me."

The guinea pig said it in a way to try and keep up appearances. Drake gave a hideously evil laugh, as if he knew something.

"Oh but it feels so good," Nadia interrupted tapping her heels on the floor several times.

"Yeah, and it tastes good too," Drake said opening his mouth and licking his fangs right in front of Sampson.

"You know," Sampson started, "vampire bats release a kind of morphine into the blood stream while their draining blood that gives off a euphoric numbing sensation. After about three minutes, it attacks the central nervous system and the reproductive organs full blast."

"Boy, does it ever," Nadia interrupted again, blushing.

"That's why it feels so good," the guinea pig finished, "betcha you didn't know that, huh, Drake."

But it was obvious that Drake wasn't listening. Even if you couldn't tell in his eyes, being blind and all, you could tell by the expression of his nose and mouth. "You know," he opened, "I wonder what you taste like Sampson."

Nadia slumped to the floor almost immediately, and Sampson dropped his soda glass, spilling it all over the floor. He panicked for moment sliding his finger along his throat a few times as if to say "shut up, shut up shut up," but then quickly noticed the spilled drink. Upon seeing this, he grabbed some napkins, and began to clean it up.

Drake rested his head against his fist and gave a weird false new smile. "I've always wanted to know. I've bitten a few girls before, but I've never bitten a guy before. Well… a guy that wasn't a doctor who I needed to feed off of. Wanna be the first, Sampson," he finished in a mocking playful tone.

Sampson bit down on his lip and covered up his wrist as if hiding something. Nadia noticed this from under the table, and wondered what was going on…

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"Where are you taking him," Nadia screamed as the two males got on the bus.

"Somewhere nice," Drake screamed as the doors closed.

"I don't like the sound of your voice! Bring him back right now!"

"It's his birthday, let him choose!"

"No! No," she screamed again, "No choosing! Out here now!"

The bus starting moving.

"Sorry, can't hear you! Bye, sweetie!"

Drake drug Sampson to the back of the bus, as they watched Nadia running toward the bus, swearing several very unhappy words as she ran.

"Where are you taking me," the birthday boy asked.

Drake gave his trademark smirk, "to your birthday gift."

Sampson was about to open his mouth again to say something, but closed it, knowing full well anything he says to Drake, the bat somehow twists around and turns it into a strange sexual innuendo. After a few minutes, and a few brain exploding conversations, later, they had arrived at their destination.

"Sharp Fangs Body Piercing," Sampson coughed uncomfortably.

"Happy Birthday," Drake smiled wrapping his arms around the guinea pig joyfully, "your gift from me is one body piercing on the house!"

Sampson was off like a bullet… or at least he would have been if Drake hadn't grabbed him by the collar of his shirt.

"Let me go! Let me go! Let me go! Let me go! Let me go! Let me go! Let me go! Let me go! Let me go! Let me go! Let me go! Let me go! Let me go! Let me go! Let me go! Let me go! Let me go! Let me go! Let me go! Let me go! Let me go!"

dingding went the door bell as the two entered. Drake quickly picked up the terrified boy and slammed him down into a chair.

"Cynthia! Cynthia," he called out.

Suddenly from out of nowhere appeared a female feline. Wasn't sure what kind though.

"Hiya Drakey," she greeted, "what can I get for you today?"

"It's not for me," he answered, "it's for him! The birthday boy!"

Cynthia looked over his shoulder at Sampson, "Oh really… well then," she approached the teenager, "what can I get for you?"

"How about just a clip on," Sampson answered scared, "that'll make you happy… right Drake?"

Instead of getting an answer, the two older animals exchanged glances and look toward Sampson again. Drake walked over and sat down in the chair next to him.

"Don't worry, kiddo," the feline whispered as she prepared, "it's not as bad as you'd think it is. Though I'm not gonna lie to yea… This is gonna hurt… a lot."

A lot?

"Your just getting my ear… right?"

"Guinea pigs don't have thick enough ears for earrings, and their noses are to sensitive as well… Soooo… I have to pierce something else." She brought her now latex gloved finger and placed it on a spot right above Sampson's left eyebrow, "It's the only other spot I can think of."

"Don't worry about," Drake encouraged, "you'll be fine. Cynthia here is a gem in her work. Don't worry."

He opened his mouth and showed Sampson his tongue. Sampson never noticed the stud that was there for the time he'd known Drake.

"Still," Sampson whimpered, "I'd rather-"

Cynthia brought up a sharp sterilized needle.

"-NOT!"

He struggled to get out of the chair, but Drake pushed him back. Sampson kept struggling more, screaming about how it would hurt and how he didn't want to do it.

"I hope you have a plan to calm him down Drake," the girl pestered. Drake looked up at her and nodded.

Sampson continued to scream and jerk, up until he felt a sharp stabbing in his wrist. The pain was… absolutely mortifying. He had never felt a pain more like it in his life. He was about to turn his head to see what the problem was, but suddenly, he had trouble moving his head, let alone his body. What was going on? After about a minute the pain was almost completely gone. Instead it was replaced with something… well… kind of numbing… but at the same time kind of warm… It's like that feeling when you get comfortable in a hot tub, or when it's a really nice tepid day outside. It was… nice.

Well… Whatever it was, it was starting to cloud Sampson's mind. He couldn't move, couldn't talk, couldn't do anything. He could still hear though.

"Don't let it effect his CNS yet, Drake! I don't want any jerky movements while I'm finishing up."

Speak of the devil. Sampson's other hand (the one that wasn't in pain), began to move of its own free will, shivering a jerking slightly…

"Crap," Cynthia sighed under her breath.

It had reached his legs now.

"Almost done now, kiddo… and… there!"

And in a second, the feeling was gone. Sampson snapped back into reality, his body free from the paralysis. He turned to look at the source, and found Drake wiping blood away from his chin. The bat noticed the gaze and returned it.

"Don't worry," he said, "I stopped before anything could actually happen."

"I'm glad you did," Cynthia said cleaning her equipment, "this isn't the red light district, you know… Anyways… That'll be $28.57, Drake."

He happily got up and paid the lady. She smirked and wished them luck, kicking them out the door.

"I like it," Drake said feeling the loop piercing, "I bet if I could see your face you'd look really punk. Just remember you gotta clean it everyday, or else it'll get infected and close-up."

"Wha…," was all Sampson got out.

Drake grunted a little, "Your fine… Your not the first guy I've bitten. Well… you're the first guy I bit that didn't involve mandatory blood, but you're the first guy I've bitten under my own free will. I know your giving me a look! I think I do anyways… There's nothing wrong with it. And you don't need to question yourself either. Doctor vampire bats do that to help get contaminated blood out of a patients system. So it's okay if a guy does it to another guy. I just needed a way to calm you down."

Sampson just walked on…

Drake sighed, "I screwed up, didn't I?"

"No," Sampson finally responded, "It's okay. It was just… weird."

The teenage boy reached into his pocket and pulled out a wet towellet, and quickly applied it to his wrist.

"Sorry about the pain," Drake apologized, "had to break through the nerves somehow. But anyways… Since you didn't mind it so much…"

"Who said I didn't mind it?"

"Nadia and I have this deal where if I don't have the money for the blood bags at the hospital, that I can bite her. So I was wondering," he smirked, "if you and I could have the same deal."

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He didn't get a response. A split second later a hand came out from under the table, grabbed the bat by the collar of his shirt, and slammed his head down onto the table. A yelled in pain, grabbing his nose and forehead.

"Woman," he cried, "why do you always attack me?"

Nadia appeared from under the table, returning to her original seat. "To knock some sense into you, that's why!"

She then grabbed Sampson off the floor, who was very unhappy that he couldn't finish cleaning up his soda, and plopped him down in his seat. "Your not doing anything more to this boy than you've already done!"

"Already do-… what are you talking about?"

"Look at him," she shrieked pointing out Sampson. The guinea pig was much different than he was a few years back. He was no longer the somewhat chubby kid of camp. He had thinned out into puberty and grown taller. His personality hadn't changed though. Even as a current thirteen year old, he really didn't change that much. Though, that wasn't what Nadia was pointing out. She was pointing out his attire. The punk rock t-shirt, the black chained jeans, the spiked bracelets. On first glance on the street a person would say, "wow that kid is goth!" when in actuality, Sampson wasn't… per say.

"How many times do I have to tell you Nadia," Sampson sighed, "I just like the fashion, that's all!"

"Uh, huh," she glared folding her arms, "then explain this!"

She grabbed the teen by the head and pointed something out on to Drake. A loop piercing right above his left eyebrow.

"You were the one who made him get this," the shelty screamed still pointing it out, "God knows how much better he would have turned out if it wasn't for you!"

"I think it looks cool," the guinea pig replied trying to defend his piercing, "I can't wait to show it off to the bean scouts this summer."

Drake laughed seeing Nadia's defeat on the subject.

"See Nad, he likes it. And I think it makes him look like a pretty sexy husband."

Nadia gritted her teeth, "how would know? You can't see it! And that's not the… wait… huh… husband?"

If you could notice, Drake rolled his eyes, "That's what I've been trying to say all along! I've decided!"

"What," both Sampson and Nadia spoke at the same time.

"That we should all get married!… … …to each other!"

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Silence….

**_Silence…_**

**_Silence…_**

"What… In the name… of all things glorious and great… and you gabbing about," Nadia finally managed to spurt out.

"Well," Drake answered, "We've all know each other for a while now, and we all act about the same with the exception of the violence, and the cursing, and the personalities, and that some of us experiment with each other. But still… I think all of us together… the three of us… would make a good-"

"Don't say it," she growled.

"-couple."

Sampson didn't have the strength to hold her back. She lunged across the table, grabbed the vampire bat by his throat, and began to bring the Revelations to fruition upon her "boyfriend"! There was some cursing, and some hitting, and something about sterility… but all in all… it was a normal day.

The food arrived just as she had began to pummel the bat. Sampson looked at the two and sighed heavily.

"Could I get this to go," he asked the waitress pointing toward his lunch. She smiled and brought back a to go box. Sampson made full knowledge to make sure to separate all the foods so that none of them were touching one another. That way, they could all retain their flavor.

He closed the box and jumped out of the booth.

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"I'm drunk," announced Nadia on the front porch of Sampson's apartment.

"I can see that," Sampson moaned, "let me guess… Need a place to crash?"

She didn't even answer she just pranced on it, and into Sampson's bedroom, waving to his parents on the way there. They had gotten used to her coming in at all hours of the night and just staying there for an hour or twenty. She opened the door to the bedroom and jumped right on in.

"That's one small step for dogs," she quoted, and fell onto the bed, stopping right there.

Sampson appeared several seconds later, dressed in his pajamas, the only thing in his wardrobe that wasn't black, besides his bean scout uniform.

He rolled his eyes and crawled into bed next to her.

"Good night, Nadia," he yawned.

"No, no," she groaned, "don't go to sleep just yet Sammy. Talk with me a little."

In all actuality, Sampson just wanted to go to bed and wake up all fully rested and happy. Then again, this isn't the first time she wanted to stay up and talk.

"What do you wanna talk about," he sighed.

"Do you think I'm still attractive?"

Aw, crud… Not this again.

"What did you two argue about now," he asked her.

"Drake's just… He might be right this time though… I mean… look at me! I'm not as pretty as those other girls he talks to… and he says I'm all his! How do I know that? There could be far better people out there for him! I'm just an extra! I miserable little extra."

If Sampson had a dollar for every time he had a conversation with her about this, he could buy Lumpus that new Bass Master Plus!

"I'm gonna tell you the same thing I've always told you," the tired boy yawned again, "he chose you for the same reason he chose me as a friend. Your different! Opposites attract."

She sniffled.

"If I wasn't dating him, would you date me?"

Sampson's eyes dilated immediately and he gazed at her hard. This was a new one.

"If what?"

"If I wasn't dating Drake, do you think something could have happened between the two of us?"

"I… um… merp?"

She grabbed and snuggled against the younger male.

"Mmmm…" she moaned, "that's what I thought."

She pulled up and gave him a little kiss on the lips. Nothing fancy, but still enough to confuse the living heck out of the already confused child. The next thing that was heard was the sound of a elder teenage female terrier's snores.

Sampson didn't sleep that night for some reason.

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"I'm leaving now," he told the two who were still in fighter mode.

Upon leaving the restaurant, he decided to take the long way back home. Going behind the restaurant and observing through all the windows, the carnage that were Nadia and Drake. The last window he past he noticed that they were no longer fighting, but were in the process of… tongue wrestling…

Sampson ran the palm of his hand down his face, and began to walk home. It was days like this that he couldn't wait to go back to Camp Kidney.

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AUTHOR'S NOTES: Yay, I finished it. It's been two weeks, but I finished this Sampson centric fic. Anyways, I wanted to do something Sampson centric because he's my second favorite character in the series, and he seems more of the type to become goth more than Edward. I also would like to thank Mongoose from the CL forum's for drawing that AWESOME fanart of goth Sampson. Thanks again!

_So until next fic…_

Adieu…


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